Bojio
Typing this in a relatively calmer mood opposed to other posts... Had a draft yesterday but it was filled with so much hate. My heart was racing and I was forcefully typing on the keyboard - signs of sadness and anger that I can't control. Man, these signs really manifest easily and obviously for me.
Nowadays I dread nightfall, because soon it will be bedtime and I know I would be tossing and turning in bed. The heat is one thing, but stupid mental images will come occupying my mind. (Last night was better. Better when I care less. But are things always better when you care less?) 2 nights ago, 5 friends(?) went for supper without me. I had an unprecedented feeling - combination of being betrayed and betraying people. I seldom say 'bojio', but when I do, it's when I really really really hoped to have been involved in whatever thing it was. I mean, it affected me to the extent that a new feeling surfaced. Why do I feel betrayed? I have varying degrees of closeness with the 5 people, but even the one with the lowest degree, we have talked, laughed, and went out together. Plus one of them promised to go for durian together sometime and there they were having precisely durian. Finding out later that this particular guy was the one who initiated it made it worse. I guess people often see 'loss of faith in humanity' on the Internet. Mostly are hyperbole and intended to induce laughter. But now, I say that I really lost faith in humanity and I am dead serious about it. Or so a feeling.
I felt that I've betrayed people because while I resent that I wasn't invited, I also did not ask all 5 if they wanted to go on a trip together, I only asked 2. Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad about it because those 2 also don't feel bad that their other 3 friends are not joining. I am seriously an advocate of placing importance of quality of friends over quantity. I don't go round adding people on Facebook solely based on the fact that I know him or her. "Still have a lot of time to meet up in the future." This sentence makes sense when you just heard it, presuming we don't die young. But sometimes you know while it may hold true, ya'll might not meet often or at all. Apart from busy schedules, what's more important is whether you really want to meet. If you don't, that sentence uttered will just be empty. Right now, I'm afraid that maybe ORD is the point when things start to wither and die.
Nowadays I dread nightfall, because soon it will be bedtime and I know I would be tossing and turning in bed. The heat is one thing, but stupid mental images will come occupying my mind. (Last night was better. Better when I care less. But are things always better when you care less?) 2 nights ago, 5 friends(?) went for supper without me. I had an unprecedented feeling - combination of being betrayed and betraying people. I seldom say 'bojio', but when I do, it's when I really really really hoped to have been involved in whatever thing it was. I mean, it affected me to the extent that a new feeling surfaced. Why do I feel betrayed? I have varying degrees of closeness with the 5 people, but even the one with the lowest degree, we have talked, laughed, and went out together. Plus one of them promised to go for durian together sometime and there they were having precisely durian. Finding out later that this particular guy was the one who initiated it made it worse. I guess people often see 'loss of faith in humanity' on the Internet. Mostly are hyperbole and intended to induce laughter. But now, I say that I really lost faith in humanity and I am dead serious about it. Or so a feeling.
I felt that I've betrayed people because while I resent that I wasn't invited, I also did not ask all 5 if they wanted to go on a trip together, I only asked 2. Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad about it because those 2 also don't feel bad that their other 3 friends are not joining. I am seriously an advocate of placing importance of quality of friends over quantity. I don't go round adding people on Facebook solely based on the fact that I know him or her. "Still have a lot of time to meet up in the future." This sentence makes sense when you just heard it, presuming we don't die young. But sometimes you know while it may hold true, ya'll might not meet often or at all. Apart from busy schedules, what's more important is whether you really want to meet. If you don't, that sentence uttered will just be empty. Right now, I'm afraid that maybe ORD is the point when things start to wither and die.
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