It Keeps Coming
I was lying on my bed ready to doze off and thoughts for this post just came flooding my mind. Wanted to type this when day comes but I'm scared I'll forget most or all of it.
My friendships have been dramatic. It is one hell of a roller coaster ride through ups and downs. Strong, impactful emotions. Even though I have always been single (is it sad?), I sure have experienced the sheer happiness, anger, sadness, frustration, bewilderment, and affection, stemming from those friendships. Shall just touch on the more major ones.
Had this friend in primary four who was supportive and always giving in to me. I remember those stupid things we did, like having a Pokemon TCG battle over the phone. How's that even possible, especially since he was the one 'playing for me', because all I did was to tell him what moves I wanted to make. Well it is possible, but it is a big hassle and a great deal of trust is required. I remember getting frustrated at a certain point because I was losing. I most likely doubted him and accused him of falsely reporting the cards in 'my hand' as well. In the end, I 'won' the game. But who knows that I really did, or he gave in to me. No matter what it is, the point is that he actually had the patience to stand my nonsense. I bet I wasn't grateful to him back then for all the things that he had done, but thinking back, I really thank him from the bottom of my heart. In primary six, we got into a conflict. I really can't remember what it was, but I'm sure it was something small and not worth arguing or being angry about. But it was the last straw for him. With all the pent up indignation and ill feelings, he couldn't take it anymore. That's when he decided to not stand anymore of my atrocities. I remember the conflict happened in my house though. He said he wanted to leave already. I took the key and went into the kitchen; I didn't want him to leave. I felt that the moment he walked out of my door, he was stepping out of my life. When you're losing someone then you realizes his or her importance, that's the thing. I tried salvaging the matter, but it rendered pretty useless. In the end we just entered cold war, for practically the entire of 2005. Imagine seeing someone you're not on good terms with almost everyday, on the same bus, in the same classroom, during the same lessons. Those intentional avoidance. Bringing inconvenience to our mutual friends. Man, it was a tough tough time. Whatever he's doing now, I sincerely wish him all the best...
Entering secondary school was a fresh start. There was a drama course and we had to come up with a play eventually. I got into the same group as this classmate of mine. I liked her personality. Whoever you asked, regarding what they thought of this classmate, they would respond 'spontaneous', ' cheerful', 'bubbly', the common replies among tonnes of other praises. One seldom or never heard anything bad about her. Indeed, she's an amazing friend to have. From the fateful grouping on, we got closer and started hanging out together. I was reliant on her and always liked having her around me, because I would feel secured and happy. In secondary three, she suddenly stopped talking to me one day. She gave me the cold shoulder and behaved like I've betrayed her big time. I really didn't know what I did, but all I wanted was an explanation and forgiveness. She finally relented, and started talking to me. Thankfully, we were good again. She didn't specify what I did, but I'll remember the words she told me, words that would help me not to commit the same mistake again.
Towards the end of secondary two, I started getting on better terms with this classmate. I used to really detest him but I gradually saw him in a different light. We became really good friends. Perhaps it was due to our differences and/or we were too similar, we often got into disputes. I didn't have act like a satellite revolving around a single planet, but I willfully did. I mean, I don't disregard others, but things like hanging out together, could have done with more people, and higher frequency with others. Secondary four, he had a girlfriend. The rest of us in the clique seemed to matter less. I remember times when he asked me out to 'study' or times when I went to his house. He would be almost constantly texting. It seems that I was jealous and 'in love' with that friend, but what I can say is, I just wanted to have less of those rude disregard and I've never ever thought of getting rid of his girlfriend in any way. It's just some sort of over reliance on him and if he really didn't want to study (or he wanted but couldn't help getting distracted) he shouldn't have asked me out. This added to my frustration. One cannot deny that he truly couldn't really juggle well all the issues he had, including the looming O levels. It felt like we were perishing together. After every conflict, we exchanged long messages trying to explain. Looking back, those messages were simply redundant or irrelevant, regardless of how long they were, because we were going round and round in a stupid loop. We sort of got better as secondary four ended, and I chose my particular JC partly because of him. Fair judgment says that my JC isn't that bad in various aspects but I really should have followed my ideals. And who expected him to fall out after year one. We are good now, but it seems that we can never get back to the more carefree and joyous times when we first started out. Some subconscious repel?
I feel that some people don't know me well, and vice versa. Maybe if they read my blog they will know more about my inner self, but they most likely never will. I am really a nice person, at least I mean well. Ideologies like 'I am who I am, I don't care what people say of me' and 'As I grow older, the less I give a damn about what others think of me' and the likes of it, are absolutely damaging. They are flawed. No doubt they aim to be an ego booster, but one should not disregard everything every time. What people pass off to you, may be a result of prolonged observations. They may be right and you may be wrong, because you are blinded and overlooked your imperfections. You don't care what people say, only if they are groundless accusations, refuted by what the majority thinks, or if you strongly believe otherwise. It's always good to listen first and not treat what people say as trash immediately.
I'm 21 years old already, and I cannot believe the friendship drama is still so happening as ever. No communication is bad, a cold war just starts, you start painting bad images of the other party, and ill feelings begin to fester. I don't want to be the one to start another conversation though. I believe this is not a puerile act. If I am blind to my own mistakes, I welcome criticism or even just a normal talk. But people with the thinking described in the previous paragraph won't even begin criticizing you because what you said has already been regarded as trash. They say you need to choose friends wisely, but humans err, forever, and sadly you're bound to have wrong judgments throughout your entire life.
I wonder if all these crap only apply to me. Everyone faces kinks in their friendships, but surely not as mindfucking as mine. I deserve an award for best script?
Ok, it's too depressing to even continue. I'll just accept whatever it is, and shall steer away from numerous sad, hopeless, mundane posts of friendships after friendships. There are good ones, so dear brain and mind, please focus more on those.
My friendships have been dramatic. It is one hell of a roller coaster ride through ups and downs. Strong, impactful emotions. Even though I have always been single (is it sad?), I sure have experienced the sheer happiness, anger, sadness, frustration, bewilderment, and affection, stemming from those friendships. Shall just touch on the more major ones.
Had this friend in primary four who was supportive and always giving in to me. I remember those stupid things we did, like having a Pokemon TCG battle over the phone. How's that even possible, especially since he was the one 'playing for me', because all I did was to tell him what moves I wanted to make. Well it is possible, but it is a big hassle and a great deal of trust is required. I remember getting frustrated at a certain point because I was losing. I most likely doubted him and accused him of falsely reporting the cards in 'my hand' as well. In the end, I 'won' the game. But who knows that I really did, or he gave in to me. No matter what it is, the point is that he actually had the patience to stand my nonsense. I bet I wasn't grateful to him back then for all the things that he had done, but thinking back, I really thank him from the bottom of my heart. In primary six, we got into a conflict. I really can't remember what it was, but I'm sure it was something small and not worth arguing or being angry about. But it was the last straw for him. With all the pent up indignation and ill feelings, he couldn't take it anymore. That's when he decided to not stand anymore of my atrocities. I remember the conflict happened in my house though. He said he wanted to leave already. I took the key and went into the kitchen; I didn't want him to leave. I felt that the moment he walked out of my door, he was stepping out of my life. When you're losing someone then you realizes his or her importance, that's the thing. I tried salvaging the matter, but it rendered pretty useless. In the end we just entered cold war, for practically the entire of 2005. Imagine seeing someone you're not on good terms with almost everyday, on the same bus, in the same classroom, during the same lessons. Those intentional avoidance. Bringing inconvenience to our mutual friends. Man, it was a tough tough time. Whatever he's doing now, I sincerely wish him all the best...
Entering secondary school was a fresh start. There was a drama course and we had to come up with a play eventually. I got into the same group as this classmate of mine. I liked her personality. Whoever you asked, regarding what they thought of this classmate, they would respond 'spontaneous', ' cheerful', 'bubbly', the common replies among tonnes of other praises. One seldom or never heard anything bad about her. Indeed, she's an amazing friend to have. From the fateful grouping on, we got closer and started hanging out together. I was reliant on her and always liked having her around me, because I would feel secured and happy. In secondary three, she suddenly stopped talking to me one day. She gave me the cold shoulder and behaved like I've betrayed her big time. I really didn't know what I did, but all I wanted was an explanation and forgiveness. She finally relented, and started talking to me. Thankfully, we were good again. She didn't specify what I did, but I'll remember the words she told me, words that would help me not to commit the same mistake again.
Towards the end of secondary two, I started getting on better terms with this classmate. I used to really detest him but I gradually saw him in a different light. We became really good friends. Perhaps it was due to our differences and/or we were too similar, we often got into disputes. I didn't have act like a satellite revolving around a single planet, but I willfully did. I mean, I don't disregard others, but things like hanging out together, could have done with more people, and higher frequency with others. Secondary four, he had a girlfriend. The rest of us in the clique seemed to matter less. I remember times when he asked me out to 'study' or times when I went to his house. He would be almost constantly texting. It seems that I was jealous and 'in love' with that friend, but what I can say is, I just wanted to have less of those rude disregard and I've never ever thought of getting rid of his girlfriend in any way. It's just some sort of over reliance on him and if he really didn't want to study (or he wanted but couldn't help getting distracted) he shouldn't have asked me out. This added to my frustration. One cannot deny that he truly couldn't really juggle well all the issues he had, including the looming O levels. It felt like we were perishing together. After every conflict, we exchanged long messages trying to explain. Looking back, those messages were simply redundant or irrelevant, regardless of how long they were, because we were going round and round in a stupid loop. We sort of got better as secondary four ended, and I chose my particular JC partly because of him. Fair judgment says that my JC isn't that bad in various aspects but I really should have followed my ideals. And who expected him to fall out after year one. We are good now, but it seems that we can never get back to the more carefree and joyous times when we first started out. Some subconscious repel?
I feel that some people don't know me well, and vice versa. Maybe if they read my blog they will know more about my inner self, but they most likely never will. I am really a nice person, at least I mean well. Ideologies like 'I am who I am, I don't care what people say of me' and 'As I grow older, the less I give a damn about what others think of me' and the likes of it, are absolutely damaging. They are flawed. No doubt they aim to be an ego booster, but one should not disregard everything every time. What people pass off to you, may be a result of prolonged observations. They may be right and you may be wrong, because you are blinded and overlooked your imperfections. You don't care what people say, only if they are groundless accusations, refuted by what the majority thinks, or if you strongly believe otherwise. It's always good to listen first and not treat what people say as trash immediately.
I'm 21 years old already, and I cannot believe the friendship drama is still so happening as ever. No communication is bad, a cold war just starts, you start painting bad images of the other party, and ill feelings begin to fester. I don't want to be the one to start another conversation though. I believe this is not a puerile act. If I am blind to my own mistakes, I welcome criticism or even just a normal talk. But people with the thinking described in the previous paragraph won't even begin criticizing you because what you said has already been regarded as trash. They say you need to choose friends wisely, but humans err, forever, and sadly you're bound to have wrong judgments throughout your entire life.
I wonder if all these crap only apply to me. Everyone faces kinks in their friendships, but surely not as mindfucking as mine. I deserve an award for best script?
Ok, it's too depressing to even continue. I'll just accept whatever it is, and shall steer away from numerous sad, hopeless, mundane posts of friendships after friendships. There are good ones, so dear brain and mind, please focus more on those.
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