Burden
Field camp has ended, and it is an absolute joy. Hopefully life will turn for the better in camp from Tuesday on, as what is widely believed. However, a problem still lurks. That is, the degree of closeness among ourselves. Some people secretly feel that I should mingle with them more. I understand their concern: we still have one year plus to go. I get that a lot. But they should have an open mind and not expect me to have that equal level of energy and participation in things they do. First, I do not partake in most activities. Naturally, the sense of brothers in arms is weak, since I do not "suffer" with them. (And well, if given a chance, they wouldn't want to suffer as well) Second, the way that they interact in everyday life is just not the way I am used to. Vulgarities infused into jokes, sometimes you do not know if a person a genuinely furious or is putting up a drama. Vulgarities used as capital letters, as commas and full-stops, and as interjections. I myself wouldn't want to spew coarse words anyhow, even if it means fun joy and laughter to them. In addition, some things they do really turns me off, like shouting unnecessarily. When I am turned off, what I feel like doing is to go through motion. Nothing would cross my mind and thus I would not initiate a talk. Third, I am not totally isolating myself. When anyone approaches me to attend to his injury, I do not brush him off nonchalantly. I try my best to attend to the wound or give advice, not to mention aftercare. I reply when questions are thrown and I remember times when I said something random. It really depends on what they are talking about and if I can slip into the conversation. Well, at least I am sleeping in the same bunk as them? I wonder if they know that medics from Delta sleep with the commanders and logistic helpers.
What do they mean by close? Actually if they look at the platoon as a whole, I don't think the sense of cohesion is that strong either. A lot of selfish people around. Cliques everywhere; people talking to the same few people. Racial segregation. At the cookhouse, the end product is that the entire platoon would be seated together. But when the seats are in the progress of being filled up, it's obvious some do not want to sit with certain people, and there would be empty seats here and there. The last few would then dovetail the "loose ends".
In a nutshell, they have to consider the factors that make it hard for me to mingle the way they desire or think I should. A small incident like excusing myself to sit elsewhere (with some other people) should not be magnified and exaggerated into me wanting to draw a line between myself and them. They should not be so garrulous and paranoid and need to try to take things easy. I do wish for them to talk to me, because I jolly well know that life would be dull without interaction with more people, but I guess it would be hard to think of a common topic.
There would be a dinner get-together soon. I guess I should go for it, lest they further intensify the problem. The dinner would be heavily subsidized by someone. Though this was not directed at me, I strongly feel that they should not think that someone else should not be part of the gathering, because the person has been excused from training for a long period. Who is the one who always draws and returns the bunk key? Does that person downright reject anyone who approaches him for help? This issue of wanting to exclude someone is totally contentious and hurtful. Why not we talk about who deserves to have the subsidized dinner? Yes, most people who "deserve" it are those who have been through the training together. But take a look at their characters. There are some who are self-centred and only go to others when he needs help, there are some who are disorganized and ill-disciplined and thus drags everyone down and there are some who lack social conscience. Take for example, the erupting dustbin. The garbage bag was apparently full to the brim and people just turned a blind eye to it. Instead of holding on to their trash temporarily, they blatantly threw it into the already filled bin. Well, do people of such poor characters deserve the treat? Food for thought.
Times change and so do humans. I did not realize in the past but recently, a lot of your ugly ways have surfaced explicitly. Maybe you were already like this back then just that I overlooked it or you have changed. You asked me before, what do I think of you as a person. Well, when answering this kind of sensitive question, I think we naturally present the positive views and express pleasant things that the other party would like to hear. More often than not, the undesirable things are swept under the rug and left hidden and unknown. And those are the things that are perhaps useful, because they can be a reality check to ensure people don't live in the state of ignorance and false belief that they are oh-so-wonderful.
You like to talk with an air of arrogance and is not receptive to the views of others. I think that I am quite an impervious person, but I feel that I always subordinate myself. Maybe you have been receiving praises throughout your secondary and junior college life regarding your intellect and seldom receive unfavorable comments so much so that you are carried away. You are an independent thinker, but you can be rather headstrong, insisting on your own beliefs and make it difficult or impossible for people to convince you. In other cases, you would talk in a condescending tone and think others are a joke. Take that day when we were eating at Geylang for example. I gave a passing remark, "I suddenly feel that I am in Malaysia." You retorted, "I think you are crazy. In what way does this look like we are eating in Malaysia?" In a nutshell, you were totally unwilling to take in my sentence.
Freedom of speech, dude. So I was being crazy like that? And when I said someone else is crazy, you quickly defended her and said I am instead the crazy one. You defended because she has a crush on you. Hey, she was so love-struck and even you yourself was taken aback. Actually I think you are more of happy than any other feeling. In order to shield "your girl", you reflected the word "crazy" at me. Ok, if I were wrong, then you are crazy to say that I am crazy in passing the comment that I felt like I was in Malaysia, right?
The way you speak is so prickly. You suggested meeting at an outdoor pub for a meal the next time, then you carried on to say that we would not drink and going to pub without drinking is senseless. Since you know it, why suggest it. Raising the idea and aborting it yourself is ludicrous. Up till now I still find it ridiculous that we "must use wine to socialize". We never said we are unwilling to try, and when I try, I would learn how to appreciate wine, unlike some people who just follow the norm blindly and drink to show that he is cool or drink so as not to feel left out.
Your behavior gets on my nerves at times. You claimed that you are sick of western food, but that has been months. Unwilling to sit at certain places at an eatery when they are actually pretty decent. Up till now there have been no suggestions from you (even if have, they have yet to materialize), and always rely on others to find places to meet up. When a few raindrops on the canopy fall on your head, you reacted so strongly. When people accidentally drop a small piece of food on the table, you blurted that you do not like it. Pampered much? Please take note of your choice of words. Even "Aiyo waste food man." sounds much nicer than "Tsk. Waste food. I don't like it." In case you do not know, these two make a huge difference, and this is call diction, your style of speaking. The second example is blunt and truncated, just goes to show you are quick tempered and do not feel like speaking much at that point of time. You used to claim you do not get angry, but this is totally untrue. Everyone gets angry, it only differs in how each individual manages his anger. In case you do not know, it's pretty obvious when you are angry or simply irritated. Don't portray yourself as such a saint when you are not.
Talking about portrayal, I remembered vividly that you once said you do not go to cinemas for movies and you abstain from milk tea. Is that really true? If it's too hard to abide by, then don't say it. Don't put up a fake front. Actually you yourself should know that sometimes, you are not that good a friend, as what many claim. You turn down invitations to go out without valid reasons. We never beg you to treat us to a meal, but you insisted, and then ironically, you are insincere. Having a single meeting in March and treat all at one go. Smart move huh? Mind you, you used the word "waste" instead of "spend" when talking about the expenditure on the meal.
In conclusion, to raise up those that have been unsaid, you are stubborn, have empty talks, quite a show-off, sometimes act like you are some kind of royalty and not true that you are always a good friend.
What do they mean by close? Actually if they look at the platoon as a whole, I don't think the sense of cohesion is that strong either. A lot of selfish people around. Cliques everywhere; people talking to the same few people. Racial segregation. At the cookhouse, the end product is that the entire platoon would be seated together. But when the seats are in the progress of being filled up, it's obvious some do not want to sit with certain people, and there would be empty seats here and there. The last few would then dovetail the "loose ends".
In a nutshell, they have to consider the factors that make it hard for me to mingle the way they desire or think I should. A small incident like excusing myself to sit elsewhere (with some other people) should not be magnified and exaggerated into me wanting to draw a line between myself and them. They should not be so garrulous and paranoid and need to try to take things easy. I do wish for them to talk to me, because I jolly well know that life would be dull without interaction with more people, but I guess it would be hard to think of a common topic.
There would be a dinner get-together soon. I guess I should go for it, lest they further intensify the problem. The dinner would be heavily subsidized by someone. Though this was not directed at me, I strongly feel that they should not think that someone else should not be part of the gathering, because the person has been excused from training for a long period. Who is the one who always draws and returns the bunk key? Does that person downright reject anyone who approaches him for help? This issue of wanting to exclude someone is totally contentious and hurtful. Why not we talk about who deserves to have the subsidized dinner? Yes, most people who "deserve" it are those who have been through the training together. But take a look at their characters. There are some who are self-centred and only go to others when he needs help, there are some who are disorganized and ill-disciplined and thus drags everyone down and there are some who lack social conscience. Take for example, the erupting dustbin. The garbage bag was apparently full to the brim and people just turned a blind eye to it. Instead of holding on to their trash temporarily, they blatantly threw it into the already filled bin. Well, do people of such poor characters deserve the treat? Food for thought.
Times change and so do humans. I did not realize in the past but recently, a lot of your ugly ways have surfaced explicitly. Maybe you were already like this back then just that I overlooked it or you have changed. You asked me before, what do I think of you as a person. Well, when answering this kind of sensitive question, I think we naturally present the positive views and express pleasant things that the other party would like to hear. More often than not, the undesirable things are swept under the rug and left hidden and unknown. And those are the things that are perhaps useful, because they can be a reality check to ensure people don't live in the state of ignorance and false belief that they are oh-so-wonderful.
You like to talk with an air of arrogance and is not receptive to the views of others. I think that I am quite an impervious person, but I feel that I always subordinate myself. Maybe you have been receiving praises throughout your secondary and junior college life regarding your intellect and seldom receive unfavorable comments so much so that you are carried away. You are an independent thinker, but you can be rather headstrong, insisting on your own beliefs and make it difficult or impossible for people to convince you. In other cases, you would talk in a condescending tone and think others are a joke. Take that day when we were eating at Geylang for example. I gave a passing remark, "I suddenly feel that I am in Malaysia." You retorted, "I think you are crazy. In what way does this look like we are eating in Malaysia?" In a nutshell, you were totally unwilling to take in my sentence.
Freedom of speech, dude. So I was being crazy like that? And when I said someone else is crazy, you quickly defended her and said I am instead the crazy one. You defended because she has a crush on you. Hey, she was so love-struck and even you yourself was taken aback. Actually I think you are more of happy than any other feeling. In order to shield "your girl", you reflected the word "crazy" at me. Ok, if I were wrong, then you are crazy to say that I am crazy in passing the comment that I felt like I was in Malaysia, right?
The way you speak is so prickly. You suggested meeting at an outdoor pub for a meal the next time, then you carried on to say that we would not drink and going to pub without drinking is senseless. Since you know it, why suggest it. Raising the idea and aborting it yourself is ludicrous. Up till now I still find it ridiculous that we "must use wine to socialize". We never said we are unwilling to try, and when I try, I would learn how to appreciate wine, unlike some people who just follow the norm blindly and drink to show that he is cool or drink so as not to feel left out.
Your behavior gets on my nerves at times. You claimed that you are sick of western food, but that has been months. Unwilling to sit at certain places at an eatery when they are actually pretty decent. Up till now there have been no suggestions from you (even if have, they have yet to materialize), and always rely on others to find places to meet up. When a few raindrops on the canopy fall on your head, you reacted so strongly. When people accidentally drop a small piece of food on the table, you blurted that you do not like it. Pampered much? Please take note of your choice of words. Even "Aiyo waste food man." sounds much nicer than "Tsk. Waste food. I don't like it." In case you do not know, these two make a huge difference, and this is call diction, your style of speaking. The second example is blunt and truncated, just goes to show you are quick tempered and do not feel like speaking much at that point of time. You used to claim you do not get angry, but this is totally untrue. Everyone gets angry, it only differs in how each individual manages his anger. In case you do not know, it's pretty obvious when you are angry or simply irritated. Don't portray yourself as such a saint when you are not.
Talking about portrayal, I remembered vividly that you once said you do not go to cinemas for movies and you abstain from milk tea. Is that really true? If it's too hard to abide by, then don't say it. Don't put up a fake front. Actually you yourself should know that sometimes, you are not that good a friend, as what many claim. You turn down invitations to go out without valid reasons. We never beg you to treat us to a meal, but you insisted, and then ironically, you are insincere. Having a single meeting in March and treat all at one go. Smart move huh? Mind you, you used the word "waste" instead of "spend" when talking about the expenditure on the meal.
In conclusion, to raise up those that have been unsaid, you are stubborn, have empty talks, quite a show-off, sometimes act like you are some kind of royalty and not true that you are always a good friend.
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